memoir
Hi.
To reintroduce myself, I am Daniel Speer. I am usually a happy-go-lucky guy who is really extroverted. I love people, talking with others, and getting to know those around me on both a surface and deeper level. I attend a generally fast-paced school where life is more centered around academic wellness instead of individual wellness (a.k.a. someone would rather scream their test grade to their friends instead of getting a good night's sleep). I have never particularly enjoyed this culture, and I strive everyday to make sure I do not fall into these same situations, as I do not believe I can succeed behaving like this. Personally, I care less about comparing success among one another and more about supporting others when they do succeed.
Recently, I have found myself generally unhappy, concerned, and lost in my present life. I have been struggling with finding "true" and long-lasting happiness in life as it passes by day-by-day. While I have been enjoying the activities I partake in at school, I cannot find stability in my current life. This has been a concern as I usually love life and what it throws at me, but it is hard to keep this semi-facade as I proceed through life. Please do not take this as meaning "I'm depressed" because that is simply not true. I just cannot ground myself in this current moment.
To combat this, I have got some advice to try and express myself on a deeper level to others as (for lack of a better term) having a "soundboard" helps make your problems realistic and their solutions seem attainable. I have begun undertaking this practice by trusting in others with information personal to me, but it is still a long road to travel. Another method of self-help was to express myself through other means.
In May of 2014, my grandpa, William Francis Kennedy, died at the age of 83. As a kid, he seemed like a mystical man. He was wise, and he always had stories to tell. To me, he was a beautiful enigma filled with love, passion, knowledge, experience, and unbound youth. Honestly, I could barely ever understand what he was trying to tell me, but it always was important. While I was not significantly close with him, I loved him so much. And he loved me. One thing I never fully understood was that he had confidence in me, and that was so unbelievably powerful. I never thought about it, but even at a young age (like age seven or eight) he saw me as "one of the smartest grandkids" and "a threat to the older ones." Gosh. While I'm not a competitive person, these words still resonate in my head occasionally.
In May of 2016, my grandma, Mary Elizabeth Kennedy, moved out of their old house at 4 Kennedy Circle. While I helped pack away her stuff, I found a cabinet no one had touched. Inside was a collection of old photo and video cameras my grandpa owned throughout his life. While no one was looking, I stole off with them when I returned home. I thought they were so cool, but I never researched about them, how they work, and what could they do. After much time sitting on my book shelf, I decided enough was enough. One of these guys had to find a use. So, after some research, I found an interest in the Argus 75 camera due to its use of black-and-white film as well as its looks. So, I bought a roll of black-and-white film and begun taking pictures.
While slow in process, I realized that each picture I took was meaningful to me no matter what it looked like; I was expressing myself through this old camera and its products. It was beautiful. Being able to express myself was immensely meaningful to me as this is something I struggle with.
That was it.
My grandpa (indirectly) opened this door for me three years after he died, and it is marvelous. So, there is the connection. All of these pictures are so valuable to me, and I want to show these to the world. I wanted to create this site as an avenue of public expression of my photography to help me deal with my emotional loftiness. Every photo uploaded to the gallery was taken by me, and anyone can use them for whatever they want. Please browse the gallery to see life through my eyes, and thank you taking time out of your day to read this.
Thank you so much grandpa.
I love you.
D.
"I am getting down to what I really need, want, strive for to the end. It is kind of fun and liberating"
-William Francis Kennedy
To reintroduce myself, I am Daniel Speer. I am usually a happy-go-lucky guy who is really extroverted. I love people, talking with others, and getting to know those around me on both a surface and deeper level. I attend a generally fast-paced school where life is more centered around academic wellness instead of individual wellness (a.k.a. someone would rather scream their test grade to their friends instead of getting a good night's sleep). I have never particularly enjoyed this culture, and I strive everyday to make sure I do not fall into these same situations, as I do not believe I can succeed behaving like this. Personally, I care less about comparing success among one another and more about supporting others when they do succeed.
Recently, I have found myself generally unhappy, concerned, and lost in my present life. I have been struggling with finding "true" and long-lasting happiness in life as it passes by day-by-day. While I have been enjoying the activities I partake in at school, I cannot find stability in my current life. This has been a concern as I usually love life and what it throws at me, but it is hard to keep this semi-facade as I proceed through life. Please do not take this as meaning "I'm depressed" because that is simply not true. I just cannot ground myself in this current moment.
To combat this, I have got some advice to try and express myself on a deeper level to others as (for lack of a better term) having a "soundboard" helps make your problems realistic and their solutions seem attainable. I have begun undertaking this practice by trusting in others with information personal to me, but it is still a long road to travel. Another method of self-help was to express myself through other means.
In May of 2014, my grandpa, William Francis Kennedy, died at the age of 83. As a kid, he seemed like a mystical man. He was wise, and he always had stories to tell. To me, he was a beautiful enigma filled with love, passion, knowledge, experience, and unbound youth. Honestly, I could barely ever understand what he was trying to tell me, but it always was important. While I was not significantly close with him, I loved him so much. And he loved me. One thing I never fully understood was that he had confidence in me, and that was so unbelievably powerful. I never thought about it, but even at a young age (like age seven or eight) he saw me as "one of the smartest grandkids" and "a threat to the older ones." Gosh. While I'm not a competitive person, these words still resonate in my head occasionally.
In May of 2016, my grandma, Mary Elizabeth Kennedy, moved out of their old house at 4 Kennedy Circle. While I helped pack away her stuff, I found a cabinet no one had touched. Inside was a collection of old photo and video cameras my grandpa owned throughout his life. While no one was looking, I stole off with them when I returned home. I thought they were so cool, but I never researched about them, how they work, and what could they do. After much time sitting on my book shelf, I decided enough was enough. One of these guys had to find a use. So, after some research, I found an interest in the Argus 75 camera due to its use of black-and-white film as well as its looks. So, I bought a roll of black-and-white film and begun taking pictures.
While slow in process, I realized that each picture I took was meaningful to me no matter what it looked like; I was expressing myself through this old camera and its products. It was beautiful. Being able to express myself was immensely meaningful to me as this is something I struggle with.
That was it.
My grandpa (indirectly) opened this door for me three years after he died, and it is marvelous. So, there is the connection. All of these pictures are so valuable to me, and I want to show these to the world. I wanted to create this site as an avenue of public expression of my photography to help me deal with my emotional loftiness. Every photo uploaded to the gallery was taken by me, and anyone can use them for whatever they want. Please browse the gallery to see life through my eyes, and thank you taking time out of your day to read this.
Thank you so much grandpa.
I love you.
D.
"I am getting down to what I really need, want, strive for to the end. It is kind of fun and liberating"
-William Francis Kennedy
addendum
Nine months.
I'm hurting
struggling
waiting
I still bottle things up. I still deal with problems in self-expression. I still get sad. I still lose faith in myself. I still float through life. I still feel like nothing sometimes.
But I know that Grandpa is still up there smiling at me.
Yes.
There is still hope and happiness at the end of the tunnel. The end of this tunnel just seems very far away.
This addendum, as I am calling it, is an update on my life and the recent tribulations that have perturbed it. Albeit meaningful, this writing is less bittersweet than my original memoir. While I have found some direction in my life regarding several anxieties from nine months ago, I still feel as lost as ever.
I am still involved in a lot of the same activities I was at school, but the past month has attenuated their value in my life. It is still hard for me to enjoy life on a genuine level and fully experience the things going on around me. This past month has sent time whizzing past my unobservant eyes, and anything they do pick up gets lost in translation. One of my largest complaints with myself is that I tend to "plateau" very easily. Meaning, I get used to whatever is occurring or changing in my life. So, while I enjoy the things I am doing, I get used to them and they lose emotional value.
This summer has been one of waiting. I'm waiting for life to pass me by. To sign a lease. To go to grad school. To lose my old friends. To start a new life. And it has been lonely. With each passing day, I get more caught up in the future and lose track of the present. I have not been seeing as many people beyond my family, and time passes without me even thinking twice. My present life has very much plateaued by my own doing.
In the past month, I had this girl pass through my life, and I have been destroyed. My mentality, my self-esteem, my confidence. All gone. She did not do anything bad to me. I did it all to myself. This relationship was cut short by distance, and the whole situation crushed me. I can still hear myself saying
why
what are you
stop
you
are
nothing
It hurts. And with my life feeling like nothing more than unfocused TV static, it's hard to be happy. I'm not depressed, just caught in my head. I'm sorry there isn't as much positivity in this addendum, but I needed to get it out to empty my mental space.
Just say hi once in a while.
But, there is a life to be lived and a future to be had. I'm still excited about the direction I am taking in life, and I hear Grandpa's voice ringing in my ear everyday.
"go get 'em champ"
Thanks. Love you.
D.
I'm hurting
struggling
waiting
I still bottle things up. I still deal with problems in self-expression. I still get sad. I still lose faith in myself. I still float through life. I still feel like nothing sometimes.
But I know that Grandpa is still up there smiling at me.
Yes.
There is still hope and happiness at the end of the tunnel. The end of this tunnel just seems very far away.
This addendum, as I am calling it, is an update on my life and the recent tribulations that have perturbed it. Albeit meaningful, this writing is less bittersweet than my original memoir. While I have found some direction in my life regarding several anxieties from nine months ago, I still feel as lost as ever.
I am still involved in a lot of the same activities I was at school, but the past month has attenuated their value in my life. It is still hard for me to enjoy life on a genuine level and fully experience the things going on around me. This past month has sent time whizzing past my unobservant eyes, and anything they do pick up gets lost in translation. One of my largest complaints with myself is that I tend to "plateau" very easily. Meaning, I get used to whatever is occurring or changing in my life. So, while I enjoy the things I am doing, I get used to them and they lose emotional value.
This summer has been one of waiting. I'm waiting for life to pass me by. To sign a lease. To go to grad school. To lose my old friends. To start a new life. And it has been lonely. With each passing day, I get more caught up in the future and lose track of the present. I have not been seeing as many people beyond my family, and time passes without me even thinking twice. My present life has very much plateaued by my own doing.
In the past month, I had this girl pass through my life, and I have been destroyed. My mentality, my self-esteem, my confidence. All gone. She did not do anything bad to me. I did it all to myself. This relationship was cut short by distance, and the whole situation crushed me. I can still hear myself saying
why
what are you
stop
you
are
nothing
It hurts. And with my life feeling like nothing more than unfocused TV static, it's hard to be happy. I'm not depressed, just caught in my head. I'm sorry there isn't as much positivity in this addendum, but I needed to get it out to empty my mental space.
Just say hi once in a while.
But, there is a life to be lived and a future to be had. I'm still excited about the direction I am taking in life, and I hear Grandpa's voice ringing in my ear everyday.
"go get 'em champ"
Thanks. Love you.
D.
plight
this is my plight
i have had the extreme pleasure and pain of entering grad school. it has been such a tremendous experience of growth, mental and emotional development, individuality, and validity. simultaneous, it has been the most trying and strenuous time of my life. it all comes in waves.
plight
i feel probed all the time. my mental sanity. my emotional health. my self value. my image. me.
something is always vying for my attention, whether important or not, and it is particularly difficult to balance this taught tight-rope we call a good time. there are times i want to break. just snap, fall apart, and drift in the wind. go off, buy a van, and just get lost.
plight
but there is always something there. this minuscule echo in my head that envelops my whole mental space. "hey bud, it's ok." maybe it's nick. maybe it's my mom or dad. maybe it's my brother. maybe it's dorny. maybe it's the duo.
is it me?
this whole experience has transformed my mental processes: how i approach problems, overcome then effectively, and basally operate. so much has changed internally and i cannot describe it. wish you were here to see it.
plight
through all the trials and tribulations, i have been so incredibly thankful of everything. all of the pain, the success, the embarrassment, the opportunities, the people around me, and the ones i have yet to meet. i have learned some truly valuable life lessons throughout these past nine months. some will stick around for a day, and some will last forever.
we?
one of the recent and most all-encompassing transformations of my almost 23-year old life is the development of the we. i am finally listening to what my mom said over ten years ago. "you are incredible, believe that." i have had a poor self-esteem for as long as i can remember. i have always split apart the first and third perspective of myself, the me and the he. of course, there were always ups and downs, but i generally have liked myself. but the he, no way.
no
the he was this beast of an individual who couldn't hold a relationship for longer than a month, the one who was too goofy for his own good, the one who kept filling his life with acquaintances, the ugly one, the one who wanted to die. i hated the he. my self-image was terrible. i could never believe in myself. no confidence. no hope. no chance. i could never get anywhere. stuck.
yes
i have changed. a couple weeks ago, i decided it was time to stop. i was tired of loathing my own existence. tired of getting stuck. tired of watching life pass me bye. stop hating the he. accept who i am and how i appear to other people. love the he.
make us the we
i have gained new-found confidence. i'm finding myself walking around with a untapped motivation. i am my own best salesman, and grad school pounds that in to my brain. i can firmly say i am happier. grad school shoves me onto the ground, but i feel aptly prepared to get back up and shove on.
i wanted to tell everyone reading this, that i love and appreciate you. you have done so much for me that it's incomprehensible. your impact on my life is unmeasured. please love yourself. i cannot stress how beautiful you are. you deserve to be where you are and your ceiling is immense.
the past nine months have been invaluable to my growth as a functioning human. i will encounter struggles. i will pursue success. i will fail. i will want to quit. but that's the point. this whole experience is to learn to problem solve. i am just beginning to understand how to resolve my science. i am just beginning to understand how to grasp my future. i am just beginning to understand how to fix me.
this is my plight
this is real
this is me
plight
i have had the extreme pleasure and pain of entering grad school. it has been such a tremendous experience of growth, mental and emotional development, individuality, and validity. simultaneous, it has been the most trying and strenuous time of my life. it all comes in waves.
plight
i feel probed all the time. my mental sanity. my emotional health. my self value. my image. me.
something is always vying for my attention, whether important or not, and it is particularly difficult to balance this taught tight-rope we call a good time. there are times i want to break. just snap, fall apart, and drift in the wind. go off, buy a van, and just get lost.
plight
but there is always something there. this minuscule echo in my head that envelops my whole mental space. "hey bud, it's ok." maybe it's nick. maybe it's my mom or dad. maybe it's my brother. maybe it's dorny. maybe it's the duo.
is it me?
this whole experience has transformed my mental processes: how i approach problems, overcome then effectively, and basally operate. so much has changed internally and i cannot describe it. wish you were here to see it.
plight
through all the trials and tribulations, i have been so incredibly thankful of everything. all of the pain, the success, the embarrassment, the opportunities, the people around me, and the ones i have yet to meet. i have learned some truly valuable life lessons throughout these past nine months. some will stick around for a day, and some will last forever.
we?
one of the recent and most all-encompassing transformations of my almost 23-year old life is the development of the we. i am finally listening to what my mom said over ten years ago. "you are incredible, believe that." i have had a poor self-esteem for as long as i can remember. i have always split apart the first and third perspective of myself, the me and the he. of course, there were always ups and downs, but i generally have liked myself. but the he, no way.
no
the he was this beast of an individual who couldn't hold a relationship for longer than a month, the one who was too goofy for his own good, the one who kept filling his life with acquaintances, the ugly one, the one who wanted to die. i hated the he. my self-image was terrible. i could never believe in myself. no confidence. no hope. no chance. i could never get anywhere. stuck.
yes
i have changed. a couple weeks ago, i decided it was time to stop. i was tired of loathing my own existence. tired of getting stuck. tired of watching life pass me bye. stop hating the he. accept who i am and how i appear to other people. love the he.
make us the we
i have gained new-found confidence. i'm finding myself walking around with a untapped motivation. i am my own best salesman, and grad school pounds that in to my brain. i can firmly say i am happier. grad school shoves me onto the ground, but i feel aptly prepared to get back up and shove on.
i wanted to tell everyone reading this, that i love and appreciate you. you have done so much for me that it's incomprehensible. your impact on my life is unmeasured. please love yourself. i cannot stress how beautiful you are. you deserve to be where you are and your ceiling is immense.
the past nine months have been invaluable to my growth as a functioning human. i will encounter struggles. i will pursue success. i will fail. i will want to quit. but that's the point. this whole experience is to learn to problem solve. i am just beginning to understand how to resolve my science. i am just beginning to understand how to grasp my future. i am just beginning to understand how to fix me.
this is my plight
this is real
this is me
plight
isolation
i've never noticed how simultaneously ugly and quaint our backyard is. it's been a fringe thought. the yard is never the narrative. what can i do to fix it? will it ever be enough? is this all i can have? the hydrangea is dying. the oranges are gone. the birds are chirping. do they even know? the thoughts are escaping me.
the birds were chirping today. lavender covers up the past. am i lost? if i have no direction, am i lost? am i here to stay? does it matter? do i matter?
it's relatively comedic how narratives intertwine. can i ever separate myself? i think i'm covering up something. thoughts reverberate, but nothing's real.
i saw a scrub jay this morning. i missed the swell, but waves keep rolling in. i'm doing ok so far.
today was the first day i burned away. the grip of apathy arrives in waves. there is a mildly large flux of mental activity still going on, as the question remains. how far am i gone? can i measure this distance? am i ok with it?
does having a narrative matter? what is the value of mine over others? i had an unpleasant dream last night. are the thoughts i am having valid? am i ok enough with myself to keep going? the birds are chirping.
staring at lights on a screen. is this who i really am? going forward has been ok so far, why not now? at what point is it worthwhile to stop? should i go? i can still smell the rose on the table. it's hollow.
it's been comedic to me how narratives intertwine. life is just complex. resolution comes and go. people arrive and leave. what's left? it's easy to get here, but hard to leave. how do i know what is right? i have been struggling with leaving the past behind, and i'm fearful my actions are crippled by my mental space. the birds were chirping earlier. what is informative and what is destructive? the sign for pizza is literally the letters.
i sit here staring at a screen of lights. headphones in. i cannot hear the birds chirping, and if they are it doesn't matter. is this what life is meant to be? it seems nice outside. i chose to live life with intensity. why?
i slept well last night, and i already feel better. it's funny to see all the ways i can shoot myself in the foot. the past crept in yesterday, but all i can do is acknowledge it and move forward. do i have the strength to go on? rushing stream, flowing river.
literally idle. i'm not as lost, but mildly upset. orthodoxy is unconsciousness.
i listened to the birds this morning. they told me the new norm is ok, time is the universal cure. i feel more ok with myself. why am i rushing?
the passage is good. i cannot look to the past for help, all it does is hurt. breathe and be present.
i sit, swinging. i am. i am not. the only path is the pursuit. no time spinning. why live in the past. enjoy the sun.
the clouds rolled in this morning. life doesn't feel real. i'm always waiting for things to hit. will they?
chop his arm off and take his watch. self-investment. why worry over previous possessions.
the sun is shining. the birds are chirping. what are they saying?
why does it matter to me?
time is barely a concept anymore. things pass and my mind barely murmurs. why isn't there more?
it comes in waves, nothing is ever straight-forward. i tend to regress into this all-too familiar trough. is it a debilitation if i choose to be there? will the pursuit be worth it?
the birds were very active this morning. i am wrestling with an impasse. the common knowledge is to ignore it, but i shove onward. why? am i forcing a narrative? what is too much? is it a debilitation if i choose to pursue it?
war is peace. it seems like everyday is a continuous slog through the past. the further i go, the closer it is. why am i getting hung up on it? is this the new norm? why did i not struggle earlier?
nothing is better than something
i have never felt anything like this before. the ability to simultaneously build yourself into a king and crush yourself under the weight of your own antagonistic obedience. it's a bifurcation of the mind. to not skip steps. to not put yourself down. to not sulk in the mud. all the while, maintaining a facade of complacency in one's concurrent situation. it's difficult. it's truly hard to learn lessons, and then translate them into actionable progress. empathy, compassion, mindfulness. why could i not do them to me? i strive forward. sanguine for the future. restless for the day to roam free. in the meantime, i have me.
improvement
degradation
productivity comes with the wind, and that's ok
everyday is a new one. expectations are built and crumble. the only thing that remains is me. i feel better about that. old habits still die hard. 511 dreams
looking for that next wave. pursuing myself in an aimless direction, not with negativity but with strength
everyday is a new one. a new opportunity to struggle. a new opportunity to give up. a new opportunity to observe. it's not a failure if i learned something
the theme of the day is question marks
stability is unstable. the human experience is not a plateau, but a dynamic landscape. yeah i can try to find the average, but what's the point?
the little things we take and leave form our narrative. why do i choose what?
inevitability is inevitable. regression can and will occur. why do i always regress? each opportunity to leap forward is also one to fall back. what is wrong with my mental space?
freedom. to hate. to loathe. to love. to disdain. to promote. to discourage. to move on. what is right?
whatever goes around, comes around. why go on if its only a matter of time until i walk into something else
maybe walking into something else was the wall i needed to hit. if i really keep walking into the same stupid problem, i'll get tired of it whether i want to or not
change, whether real or not
the birds were chirping today. lavender covers up the past. am i lost? if i have no direction, am i lost? am i here to stay? does it matter? do i matter?
it's relatively comedic how narratives intertwine. can i ever separate myself? i think i'm covering up something. thoughts reverberate, but nothing's real.
i saw a scrub jay this morning. i missed the swell, but waves keep rolling in. i'm doing ok so far.
today was the first day i burned away. the grip of apathy arrives in waves. there is a mildly large flux of mental activity still going on, as the question remains. how far am i gone? can i measure this distance? am i ok with it?
does having a narrative matter? what is the value of mine over others? i had an unpleasant dream last night. are the thoughts i am having valid? am i ok enough with myself to keep going? the birds are chirping.
staring at lights on a screen. is this who i really am? going forward has been ok so far, why not now? at what point is it worthwhile to stop? should i go? i can still smell the rose on the table. it's hollow.
it's been comedic to me how narratives intertwine. life is just complex. resolution comes and go. people arrive and leave. what's left? it's easy to get here, but hard to leave. how do i know what is right? i have been struggling with leaving the past behind, and i'm fearful my actions are crippled by my mental space. the birds were chirping earlier. what is informative and what is destructive? the sign for pizza is literally the letters.
i sit here staring at a screen of lights. headphones in. i cannot hear the birds chirping, and if they are it doesn't matter. is this what life is meant to be? it seems nice outside. i chose to live life with intensity. why?
i slept well last night, and i already feel better. it's funny to see all the ways i can shoot myself in the foot. the past crept in yesterday, but all i can do is acknowledge it and move forward. do i have the strength to go on? rushing stream, flowing river.
literally idle. i'm not as lost, but mildly upset. orthodoxy is unconsciousness.
i listened to the birds this morning. they told me the new norm is ok, time is the universal cure. i feel more ok with myself. why am i rushing?
the passage is good. i cannot look to the past for help, all it does is hurt. breathe and be present.
i sit, swinging. i am. i am not. the only path is the pursuit. no time spinning. why live in the past. enjoy the sun.
the clouds rolled in this morning. life doesn't feel real. i'm always waiting for things to hit. will they?
chop his arm off and take his watch. self-investment. why worry over previous possessions.
the sun is shining. the birds are chirping. what are they saying?
why does it matter to me?
time is barely a concept anymore. things pass and my mind barely murmurs. why isn't there more?
it comes in waves, nothing is ever straight-forward. i tend to regress into this all-too familiar trough. is it a debilitation if i choose to be there? will the pursuit be worth it?
the birds were very active this morning. i am wrestling with an impasse. the common knowledge is to ignore it, but i shove onward. why? am i forcing a narrative? what is too much? is it a debilitation if i choose to pursue it?
war is peace. it seems like everyday is a continuous slog through the past. the further i go, the closer it is. why am i getting hung up on it? is this the new norm? why did i not struggle earlier?
nothing is better than something
i have never felt anything like this before. the ability to simultaneously build yourself into a king and crush yourself under the weight of your own antagonistic obedience. it's a bifurcation of the mind. to not skip steps. to not put yourself down. to not sulk in the mud. all the while, maintaining a facade of complacency in one's concurrent situation. it's difficult. it's truly hard to learn lessons, and then translate them into actionable progress. empathy, compassion, mindfulness. why could i not do them to me? i strive forward. sanguine for the future. restless for the day to roam free. in the meantime, i have me.
improvement
degradation
productivity comes with the wind, and that's ok
everyday is a new one. expectations are built and crumble. the only thing that remains is me. i feel better about that. old habits still die hard. 511 dreams
looking for that next wave. pursuing myself in an aimless direction, not with negativity but with strength
everyday is a new one. a new opportunity to struggle. a new opportunity to give up. a new opportunity to observe. it's not a failure if i learned something
the theme of the day is question marks
stability is unstable. the human experience is not a plateau, but a dynamic landscape. yeah i can try to find the average, but what's the point?
the little things we take and leave form our narrative. why do i choose what?
inevitability is inevitable. regression can and will occur. why do i always regress? each opportunity to leap forward is also one to fall back. what is wrong with my mental space?
freedom. to hate. to loathe. to love. to disdain. to promote. to discourage. to move on. what is right?
whatever goes around, comes around. why go on if its only a matter of time until i walk into something else
maybe walking into something else was the wall i needed to hit. if i really keep walking into the same stupid problem, i'll get tired of it whether i want to or not
change, whether real or not
precision
i recently purchased a 35mm camera and it feels interesting that i've dove into a medium that's the exact opposite of what i usually work with. every picture has such a crisp clarity and focus that is off-brand from everything else in this project. i suppose that it reflects my mental and emotional progression.
a lot of life has happened and not a lot of it has been documented here. i've gone into and out of therapy, spent a lot of time deconstructing my life, and doing more things that i actually enjoy. i still acknowledge a lot of my issues stem from a mild long-standing depression and a relatively poor self-image, but life has generally improved. it feels easier to talk about myself, my emotions, and trust others with that information. i'm more aware of where my mental health issues originate and i'm better equipped to live with them. yes sure life will not be linear, but isn't that the point?
this past spring, i took a big test. it really took over my life. emotionally, mentally, and physically i felt engrossed in the preparation. i didn't take care of myself, i became a recluse, and i was in pain. it was way too easy to give up and antagonize myself. but that's the thing
it was easy
right? i saw emotional spiraling as a resignation. it wasn't me, it was a negative. "i shouldn't be thinking like this, god i'm such an awful person" was all too common of a finality. but no.
why push against the current? i'm not going to fix myself by trying to upend my fundamental existence. the issue was not the thoughts, but my perspective on my thoughts. it's ok to hate life. it's ok to feel sad and upset. treat yourself that way.
instead of things like "i'm awful and i should just not exist," try "i'm going to let myself be sad for a bit and recollect." whenever the pieces came back together, the issue was never that large. i could manage.
and that's the thing
the old camera made everything so large. all of the features were indistinct and took up so much space. i didn't understand what everything meant and my mental space blurred together. i spent a lot of my time derealized and detached. why did i have to care about life? why did my pictures have to be pristine? when i spiraled, everything got mixed in. i felt that the beauty was in the lack of detail. it was a cry for help, for understanding, for those lines to sharp
but things feel different
life feels crisp and defined. i feel more attached to what i do and my future, and i'm invested in my future success. i want to live an enjoyable life. i want to see things as they are, not a distorted reality. and the pictures i have taken with the 35mm camera reflect that. everything is so precise. the focus is so captivating. i am actively looking for detail. what's beautiful in this scene?
yes i do still find beauty in the lack of detail, but it's not as gripping. i don't need to abstract a visual for it to have meaning.
therefore, i want to bifurcate this project moving forward. as life will not be all flowers and smiles in the future. i will be adding 35mm pictures to the gallery and continuing both sides of the project. i want to be sad and happy. i want to be abstracted and defined.
i want to live life
i want to be me
a lot of life has happened and not a lot of it has been documented here. i've gone into and out of therapy, spent a lot of time deconstructing my life, and doing more things that i actually enjoy. i still acknowledge a lot of my issues stem from a mild long-standing depression and a relatively poor self-image, but life has generally improved. it feels easier to talk about myself, my emotions, and trust others with that information. i'm more aware of where my mental health issues originate and i'm better equipped to live with them. yes sure life will not be linear, but isn't that the point?
this past spring, i took a big test. it really took over my life. emotionally, mentally, and physically i felt engrossed in the preparation. i didn't take care of myself, i became a recluse, and i was in pain. it was way too easy to give up and antagonize myself. but that's the thing
it was easy
right? i saw emotional spiraling as a resignation. it wasn't me, it was a negative. "i shouldn't be thinking like this, god i'm such an awful person" was all too common of a finality. but no.
why push against the current? i'm not going to fix myself by trying to upend my fundamental existence. the issue was not the thoughts, but my perspective on my thoughts. it's ok to hate life. it's ok to feel sad and upset. treat yourself that way.
instead of things like "i'm awful and i should just not exist," try "i'm going to let myself be sad for a bit and recollect." whenever the pieces came back together, the issue was never that large. i could manage.
and that's the thing
the old camera made everything so large. all of the features were indistinct and took up so much space. i didn't understand what everything meant and my mental space blurred together. i spent a lot of my time derealized and detached. why did i have to care about life? why did my pictures have to be pristine? when i spiraled, everything got mixed in. i felt that the beauty was in the lack of detail. it was a cry for help, for understanding, for those lines to sharp
but things feel different
life feels crisp and defined. i feel more attached to what i do and my future, and i'm invested in my future success. i want to live an enjoyable life. i want to see things as they are, not a distorted reality. and the pictures i have taken with the 35mm camera reflect that. everything is so precise. the focus is so captivating. i am actively looking for detail. what's beautiful in this scene?
yes i do still find beauty in the lack of detail, but it's not as gripping. i don't need to abstract a visual for it to have meaning.
therefore, i want to bifurcate this project moving forward. as life will not be all flowers and smiles in the future. i will be adding 35mm pictures to the gallery and continuing both sides of the project. i want to be sad and happy. i want to be abstracted and defined.
i want to live life
i want to be me
moving
you know, i do think i got somewhere.
it's taken a while for me to feel like i got somewhere, you don't see the process until the end. it's been a while since i've written up anything here, so before i get anywhere
hello
what's up
how are you doing
it's been about 2 years since i last uploaded anything but that doesn't mean i haven't taken any pictures recently. i was able to start printing my own! however, this self-sufficiency means that i haven't scanned or uploaded any of my recent content. maybe at some point in the future
in a somewhat poetic perspective, my growth as a photographer aligns with my growth as a person
self-sufficiency
i had a moment a couple weeks ago where i had a hard conversation where i fought for myself, only in hindsight did i realize that i loved myself in that moment. while i would have reacted significantly different a couple years ago, it felt normal
and that's the thing, it was normalized
i'm really thankful for the support systems around me who have helped grow. my friends, therapists, teammates, coworkers, and etc.
thank you for being a part of my life.
it's taken a while for me to feel like i got somewhere, you don't see the process until the end. it's been a while since i've written up anything here, so before i get anywhere
hello
what's up
how are you doing
it's been about 2 years since i last uploaded anything but that doesn't mean i haven't taken any pictures recently. i was able to start printing my own! however, this self-sufficiency means that i haven't scanned or uploaded any of my recent content. maybe at some point in the future
in a somewhat poetic perspective, my growth as a photographer aligns with my growth as a person
self-sufficiency
i had a moment a couple weeks ago where i had a hard conversation where i fought for myself, only in hindsight did i realize that i loved myself in that moment. while i would have reacted significantly different a couple years ago, it felt normal
and that's the thing, it was normalized
i'm really thankful for the support systems around me who have helped grow. my friends, therapists, teammates, coworkers, and etc.
thank you for being a part of my life.
